


The Lady and the Unicorn

by Stakebait



Series: Strange Bedfellows: Being the Unlikely Adventures of a Vampire and a Slayer [6]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-02
Updated: 2010-06-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 21:25:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/91773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stakebait/pseuds/Stakebait
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cute is not to be trusted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lady and the Unicorn

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written by Keren, but it won't let me say so because she doesn't have an AO3 account. (I do have her permission to post). Script format.

Nighttime in Sunnydale. Harmony is in her bedroom in her parents  
house. She is sitting on her pink, ruffled canopied bed, surrounded by  
dozens of stuffed unicorn toys. Her room itself appears to be a shrine  
to unicorns: posters adorn the walls, figurines fill every counter space,  
and even glittery unicorn stickers are placed haphazardly around the room.  
Harmony herself is holding a particularly large stuffed unicorn, and is  
talking to it.

Harmony: You understand me, dont you sweetie? You were always there  
for me. I try to do the evil thing, really, I do, but its always  
Buffy! She was a party pooper in high school, and shes a double  
party pooper now! It wasnt enough that she killed all my minions,  
no! She had to take my Boo Boo too! She doesnt even want him! But  
she cant take you, can she? (Listens for a response, and continues  
as if shes heard one) I wish you were bigger. I could ride you and  
brush your mane, and you could impale people on that pretty horn and Id  
drink the blood. Wouldnt that be great?

Suddenly, there is a flash of light outside Harmonys window. She  
looks outside, and sees what appears to be a unicorn emerging from the  
woods behind her home.

*************************************************************

The next morning at Sunnydale University, Buffy, Willow and Tara make  
their way between classes together.

Buffy: So this is what school looks like.

Willow: What was it that tipped you off?

Buffy: The books, the chalk dust, stench of fear.

Willow: Cant put one past you can we? Still, it must be nice to  
get back to normal after that whole Eclipse kuffuffle last week.

Buffy (looking anywhere but at Willow): Um...yeah.

Tara (quickly interjecting): Lets let bygones be bygones, its  
all over, right?

Buffy (glaring at Tara behind Willows back): Yeah. Right.

Willow (utterly oblivious to the tension): So Buffy, have you read the  
Misanthrope yet?

Buffy: Uh...thats a book, right?

Willow: Buffy!

Buffy: Relax Will, I got the main point. Hates men, I can relate.

Tara: P-people, actually.

Buffy: Gettin there too.

*************************************************************

Later that afternoon, the scoobies have congregated at the magic shop  
as usual. Buffy, Willow and Tara are seated around the table reading various  
schoolbooks, and Xander is seated, legs up on said table, reading a newspaper.  
Anya and Giles are milling about the store helping customers.

Xander (holds up paper): Anyone seen this? Listen: Something Fishy  
in Sunnydale Several hundred fish were discovered floating belly-up  
in the Sunnydale Park central pond this morning at 10 a.m. Park Ranger  
Carole Robinson, who made the discovery, says, I cant understand  
it. That pond has always provided a safe and clean home to our towns  
wildlife. The Sunnydale County Parks Commissioner is investigating  
the possibility of illegal dumping by local chemical companies, as well  
as the chance that by-products from nearby landfills may have seeped through  
the topsoil to contaminate the pond.

Buffy: And youre reading this because...?

Xander: You know, uncanny natural phenomenon? Sign of the apocalypse?  
Figured you might want to jump in and avenge the environment.

Buffy: Fight for all that is good and gold-fishy? Not really in the Slayer  
job description.

Xander (rifles through the paper): Ok, how about this? Candace Johnson,  
a former Miss California, failed to appear at her scheduled lecture: True  
Love Waits at UC Sunnydale. Miss Johnson has used her position to  
act as a role model for teenagers to resist peer pressure to have sex  
before marriage, as well as to fight against eating disorders in our nations  
youth.

Buffy: Ok Mr. Current Events, do I look like I need a hobby? So chastity  
queen didnt show, big deal.

Anya (swooping by on a round of the store): Maybe shes having sex.  


Buffy: Somehow, I cant be too concerned.

*************************************************************

That evening, Harmony is sitting in her backyard, surrounded by unicorns.  
She has somehow managed to acquire a princess costume, complete with puffy  
sleeves and pointed hat with veil. One of the unicorns is kneeling next  
to her, its head in her lap.

Harmony: Ow! (Pushes the unicorn away from nibbling on her hand) Quit  
it! Ow! Thats enough! (She pushes its head out of her lap, and then  
gives a contented sigh) Im so happy youre here! Now you can  
help Mommy kill the Slayer! No more goody-two-shoes Buffy. Wont  
Spikey be jealous?

*************************************************************

Meanwhile, in the graveyard, Buffy is walking along when she runs into  
Spike.

Buffy: I was just on the way to your humble abode.

Spike: Is the world ending again?

Buffy: Surprisingly, no. Just in the mood for some practice. And, oh!  
I got you this. (She hands him a cell phone)

Spike (turning it over in his hands): Whats this for?

Buffy: We call this a phone. Its for calling people.

Spike: Id guessed that.

Buffy: Its so I dont have to waste time running back and  
forth to your crypt every five minutes.

Spike (Giving her a sly grin): Theres room in there for two, luv.  
The place could use a womans touch...

Buffy: In your dreams. (She throws a punch at him)

Spike (moving back and avoiding it): Hey! Dont break my nice new  
prezzie. (He carefully sets it down on a gravestone, walks back and punches  
her)

Buffy, annoyed at him making first contact, sends a spinning kick at  
his head, Spike, unable to block, goes spinning in the air, and lands  
on his back. He flips himself up, and deals her three quick successive  
blows to the face. As he is about to go for a fourth, she sweeps his legs  
out from under him and punches him in the chest after he hits the ground.  
Grunting, he rolls away and gets to his feet, and ducking an incoming  
punch, grabs her around the middle, throwing her several feet away where  
she lands in a heap. He advances on her, but she rolls on her side and  
kicks her legs out, hitting him in the kneecaps. He staggers back, and  
narrowly avoids a blow directed at his head, but is not so lucky as Buffy  
sends a kick to his stomach. She rushes in to push him back, but momentum  
gets the best of her, causing them both to topple to the ground, with  
her straddling him, faces inches apart. They breathe heavily for a few  
moments, looking into each others eyes, both unsure of what to do.  
Buffy begins to realize that she doesnt seem to be getting up, and  
is not sure that she wants to.

Spike: So, how long have you been wanting to get me in this position  
luv?

Buffy (Is attempting to formulate an answer, when she notices that Spike  
is becoming quite aroused. She leaps up): Just catching my breath.

Spike (cocky grin): Uh huh. Sure. Off to bed then?

Buffy (turns bright red, gives him a suspicious look, and decides to  
let it go): Yeah, guess so. Night Spike.

Spike: Night Slayer.

They part ways, Spike picking up his new phone before heading off to  
his crypt.

*************************************************************

The next evening, Buffy is walking across campus on her way home from  
a study session at Willows. She is enjoying the pleasantly cool  
evening, when she spies a hand sticking out of a clump of bushes. She  
rushes over to examine it, and finds that it is attached to the dead body  
of none other than former Miss California, Candace Johnson. There is a  
gaping hole where her chest used to be. Buffy leans over to get a closer  
look, and pulls a long silvery white hair off of the body. She put it  
in her pocket, and runs to a phone as fast as she can.

*************************************************************

The next morning at the magic shop, all the scoobies are gathered as  
usual when Buffy walks in.

Buffy: Found anything yet, Giles?

Giles: There seems to be a disappointing lack of information in the beauty  
queen gored through the chest area.

Anya (making her way from one end of the shop to the other): Maybe its  
a unicorn.

Xander (Not hearing or not listening): Maybe its that spiky demon.  


Buffy: Spike cant do that anymore! Besides, his teeth arent  
that big. And he had two of them last time I checked.

Xander: Jeez Buff, got the Peroxide Peril on the brain? I used the adjective  
form for a reason!

Buffy: Hey, youre the one who keeps babbling about him, not me!  


Giles: Could we perhaps get back to the matter at hand?

Buffy and Xander hang their heads.

Willow: Did you mean the Polgara demon? (Buffy looks blank) You know  
the one who lost his limb to Swiss Army Adam?

Buffy: Oh, Mr. Toothpick! Nah couldnt have been. The hole wasnt  
like that. It almost looked like someone shoved a drill bit into her ribs.  


Xander: Let me just file that under images Buffy has put in my head that  
will cost thousands in therapy bills.

Willow: Yeah Buffy, Im suddenly sorry you took shop.

Buffy: Hey! Ill have you know that was six months of stakes on  
the school boards tab! And Ill take that cutting board back  
if you dont like it, thank you very much!

Willow: No, no, no! I love it! Its a little slanted, but that just  
makes it...easier to clean!

Anya (coming back from the other end of the store): Maybe its a  
unicorn.

Giles (Also not listening): Did the police have anything useful to say?  


Buffy: No. They shooed me out of there pretty quickly, but they seemed  
as clueless as ever.

Giles: And this white hair you found, its very intriguing. I dont  
know of any demons with hair this fine.

Willow: Ooh, ooh! Maybe we can do a tracer spell.

Tara: Its too small a sample, honey. It would get burned up immediately.  


Willow (pulling out her Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass and examining  
the hair): Yup, its a hair all right.

Anya (walks up behind Willow and peers over her shoulder through a magnifying  
glass): I told you, its a unicorn.

Everyone stares at her uncomprehendingly.

Buffy: I thought you were joking.

Willow (rolls her eyes) Anya, joke? Please.

Giles (holds up a finger): Of course, thats it! (He runs to the  
bookshelf and pulls out a hardcover book, flips to a page, and reads almost  
reverently) It was mad. It was angry. It was in a world where it  
did not belong. And it was being driven.

Willow (softly and in awe): Wheres that from? The Compendium of  
Magical Creatures?

Giles: No. Terry Pratchett. (Everyone looks questioningly at him) N-nevermind.  
What do you know about unicorns Anya?

Anya: Just the basics. Rare, immortal, stunningly beautiful, fond of  
virgins, ravening creatures of evil. Oh, and their horns can heal with  
a touch and remove poison from water. Or put poison into water. Whatever  
they feel like, really.

Willow: But I thought...

Anya: Yes, yes, unicorns are gentle creatures. And Santa Claus didnt  
murder children in their beds. And the Easter Bunny isnt a giant  
fluffy ball of hatred. (She shudders)

Buffy: So where do I find them and how do I kill them?

Anya: Follow the trail of eggs?

Buffy: The unicorns, Anya.

Anya: Oh. The forest?

Buffy: Fine, Im on it tonight.

*************************************************************

That evening, Spike is in his crypt, doing a bit of cleaning while no  
one is there to catch him at it. His new phone rings with the Darth Vader  
theme from Star Wars. He smiles and picks it up.

Spike: Spikes house of blood. We bite em, you bag em!  


Buffy: Spike  its Buffy.

Spike: I know luv, youre the only one who has this number. I dont  
even have this number.

Buffy: I need you to meet me at the woods on the edge of campus. And  
your number is in the my number section of the phone menu.  


Spike: What is it this time?

Buffy: Ill explain when you get here. See you in a few. (She hangs  
up)

*************************************************************

A little while later, Spike saunters up behind a very impatient looking  
Buffy.

Spike (leaning over her shoulder): Whats a pretty thing like you  
doin out in the dark all by herself?

Buffy (turning around to face him): Waiting for late vampires. Im  
getting you a watch next. (She hands him one of the two crossbows shes  
holding)

Spike: So, whats on tonights agenda for the forces of good?  
(Pauses) And me?

Buffy: Unicorn hunting.

Spike (laughing): What?

Buffy: Yup, mad unicorns gone wild in Sunnydale. It had to happen sooner  
or later. (They start to walk into the woods)

Spike: Shouldnt someone else be doin this?

Buffy: Why?

Spike: Classically, you use a virgin to capture a unicorn. And neither  
of us is exactly pure and untouched.

Buffy: Well, we dont know any virgins, except for Dawn, and since  
the last one ended up with a hole through her gut, thats a no-go.  
Well just have to do the best we can.

They make their way through the woods, finally coming to a clearing.  
Grazing in the middle are three unicorns. The moonlight streams over their  
silvery backs as they crop at the grass.

Buffy (is aiming to shoot at the unicorns with her crossbow, when one  
looks up at her, its big eyes sparkling. She lowers the crossbow):  
This is ridiculous. I cant shoot them; it would be like shooting  
a puppy.

Spike: Im game. (He aims and shoots one of the unicorns in the  
flank)

The unicorn staggers, and the other two turn towards their wounded companion.  
They trot over, and one nuzzles its head affectionately against the injured  
flank. At the touch of its horn, the wound heals almost instantly.

Buffy: Aww...

Spike: Bloody hell! (He reloads his crossbow and takes another shot,  
aiming for the beasts neck. He misses, and the arrow thunks into  
its side)

The unicorns shift around to face Buffy and Spike. They rear, neigh loudly  
and run off into the woods.

Buffy: Maybe Anya was wrong.

Spike: Somehow, I dont think so. She knows more about this kind  
of thing than any of us.

Buffy: They didnt attack us or anything! They were just standing  
there and you shot them!

Spike: You told me we were out hunting rampaging unicorns! What the bloody  
hell was I supposed to do?

As they are arguing, a rustling sound comes from the bushes to their  
right. As they turn towards the sound, a unicorn bursts out from the trees  
on their left, and rears up in front of them, knocking Spike down with  
its hooves. Buffy turns and shoots it in the chest. The unicorn snorts,  
lowers its head, and impales Buffy through the stomach. It lifts its head  
up, and runs towards the trees with a heavily bleeding Buffy atop its  
head. As Spike gets up to chase after Buffy, the other two unicorns rush  
out of the woods and trample Spike into the ground. Buffy, seeing the  
rapidly approaching trees as she glances behind her, thrusts her fists  
into the unicorns eyes. The beast trips forward in surprise, dipping  
its head, causing Buffy to slide down the horn onto the ground. She is  
unable to move out of the way before the unicorn runs her over. Meanwhile,  
Spike has rolled away from his two tormentors as they are making the turn  
to come at him again, and he runs to the cover of the forest. The two  
unicorns, having lost their quarry, turn to their injured companion, and  
begin to run in its direction.

Spike (seeing Buffy in the unicorns line of sight): Slayer! Over  
here!

Buffy, wheezing and clutching her stomach wound, attempts to shamble  
towards Spike. One of the unicorns goes over to heal his companion, while  
the other starts to run Buffy down, its eyes rolling and teeth bared.  
Spike loads up another bolt and aims between the unicorns eyes,  
but only manages to graze its ear. Buffy, though running as fast as she  
can, realizes that it is not nearly fast enough. She wheels around and  
punches the unicorn in the nose. It screams horribly, and draws back in  
revulsion at her touch. As it rears up on its hind legs in front of Buffy,  
Spike shoots out of the woods, scoops Buffy up, and runs off deep into  
the forest. The unicorns themselves turn and run off in the opposite direction.  


*************************************************************

Spike, feeling like they have made an escape, lays Buffy down at the  
edge of campus. She hastily removes her light jacket and wraps it around  
her wound, which, thanks to her Slayer healing powers, has already stopped  
bleeding.

Spike: Harm!

Buffy: Harm what?

Spike: Its bloody Harm!

Buffy (wincing as she tries to get up): Well yeah, thats what gaping  
wounds usually mean.

Spike: No. Harm-o-ny. Her and her bleedin unicorns. My crypt used  
to be full of em! It has to be her. Who else would be stupid enough  
to call a herd of marauding horn-heads to the suburbs?

Buffy: I cant see Harmony frolicking around in the woods for long.  
Theres no place to shop, or sleep. Unless...unless her parents invited  
her in before they realized she was a vampire.

Spike: Makes sense. Stupidity is genetic.

Buffy: Cmon. (She starts lurching off)

Spike: You know where to go? I didnt know you and Harmony were  
such tight mates.

Buffy (gives him a withering look): We dropped Cordelia there once. Lets  
go.

*************************************************************

Meanwhile, in her backyard, Harmony is standing in the middle of a ring  
of six unicorns, still in her princess costume, though by now it is a  
bit mud stained and torn.

Harmony: You didnt kill her? First you go haring off after Miss  
Congeniality, which I didnt ask you to do! Not to mention causing  
icky sushi fest for no apparent reason, which made Buffy come after you  
before I could even get a new dress for the occasion! And then you dont  
even finish her off! Youre my unicorns! You have to do what I say!  
(She listens for a moment) Yes you do! I called you here! (Listens again)  
Look, why cant you stick to the plan? Therell be plenty of  
mayhem for everybody as soon as we finish our homework!

Buffy and Spike edge up to the backyard, careful not to make any sound.  


Harmony (in a reasonable tone of voice): Now. Youre going to kill  
the Slayer. (Listens) What do you mean why? Shes good, besides,  
I thought you liked killing blondes. (Listens) No, not me! Im your  
friend.

Buffy and Spike make their entrance.

Spike: Hullo Harm.

Harmony: Spike! (Her face falls upon seeing Buffy behind him) Oh, youre  
still with her.

Buffy: And youre still a moron. Now that thats cleared up...  


Harmony: Stay back or my babies will kill you!

Spike: Oh yes, you look like you have everything under control.

Harmony: Youre one to talk. Look whos the Slayers lapdog!  
(In mocking tone) Oh, big bad Spike...

Spike: Partner. And you know what? Its kinda nice bein on  
the winning side again. Not that you would know.

Harmony: Oh yeah! Well...Im gonna be winning real soon!

Spike: Youre such a nitwit.

Harmony: At least I was a good girlfriend. I bought you out of your shell;  
got you out of the denial phase...I GAVE.

Buffy stifles a laugh.

Harmony (rounding on Buffy): Oh, you think thats funny. At least  
guys arent done with me until I say theyre done. (In sickeningly  
sweet voice) A little tip for you Buffy, read this months Cosmo.  
Theres a great article on how to keep your man happy in bed. Maybe  
theyd stick around longer.

Buffy, a look of pure malice on her face, grabs a very surprised Spike,  
dips him Tango-style and kisses him thoroughly on the mouth. When she  
finally releases him, Spike wobbles a bit, a silly grin plastered on his  
face.

Buffy: Id say he looks happy, wouldnt you?

Harmony: Ooh! Get them!

The unicorns immediately scatter. Two circle around and flank Buffy and  
Spike, one stands next to Harmony, and the other three begin to fan out.  
Buffy and Spike turn back to back and simultaneously shoot each of the  
flanking unicorns, Buffy taking hers in the chest, and Spike managing  
a perfect shot to the eye. As the unicorn with the chest wound goes over  
to heal the newly blinded one, the other three in waiting take the opportunity  
to rush Spike. Buffy stops loading her crossbow, whips a stake out of  
her pocket, and hurls it at Harmony. Harmony screeches, ducks, and runs  
off to hide under her patio table. One of the unicorns rushing Spike veers  
off to heal its still-injured companion, and the other two advance on  
a Spike frozen stock still in fear, each impaling him through a shoulder.  
Spike punches both unicorns under their jaws, causing them to rear back,  
scream, and roll their eyes in revulsion. Unfortunately for Spike, they  
rip thorough his armpits, rendering his arms almost useless. The two unicorns,  
now fully healed, run up to Spike and knock him over onto his face. Buffy  
spins and crashes her crossbow down on one of Spikes attackers  
head, breaking her weapon with the force of the blow. The injured unicorn  
stumbles past Spike who has turned to vamp face, and is attempting to  
get up without the use of his arms. One of the unicorns bites his ankle,  
causing him to let out a loud growl, as the other bends down, impales  
him on its horn, and lofts him in the air by his stomach. Spike kicks  
wildly, and by chance, manages to catch one of them in the face. Buffy  
sends a kick at the windpipe of the unicorn with a dangling Spike, knocking  
the wind out of it. It rears up, knocks Buffy down with Spikes limp,  
suspended body, and sends Spike flying across the backyard. Buffy gets  
up, looks at the unicorns now advancing on her, runs to Spike, scoops  
him up, and tears off across the backyard as the unicorns give chase.  
She runs to the neighbors yard, bounds up the stairs to their deck,  
and kicks in their back glass sliding door. Two teenagers, in the midst  
of assembling nachos, stop and stare at her in horror. Buffy attempts  
to runs into the kitchen, only to find that her torso, where an unconscious  
Spike is slung over one shoulder, is blocked by an invisible barrier,  
which Spike bounces off, landing on the deck with a wet thump. Buffy jumps  
into the kitchen and grabs one of the boys by the headphones he wears  
around his neck.

Buffy: Say come in!

Boy: But youre already in!

Buffy (picks up the collapsed pile of Spike and holds him like a puppet):  
Say come in to him!

Boy: He cant hear me! Or walk!

The unicorns are now slipping and sliding on the stairs to the deck.  


Buffy (plucks a large shard of glass from her sleeve and glares threateningly):  
Just say it. And then run upstairs and hide under the bed.

Boy: (bleating) Come in! (He runs out as instructed. His paralyzed companion  
looks from him to Buffy and back, then grabs the tortilla chips and follows).  


Buffy swoops Spike back into her arms and enters the kitchen, just as  
the unicorns give up trying to climb the stairs, back up, and make it  
to the deck with flying leaps. They try to heave themselves through the  
door, but only one is able to make it through. It is now torn up by glass,  
and bleeding profusely. Buffy runs to the front door, tears it open, and  
slams it behind her. As she sprints in the direction of Spikes crypt,  
she hears Harmony calling to her fiendish pets.

Harmony: Get out of their yard! Sorry neighbors! Theyre so pesky,  
I know...

*************************************************************

Back at Spikes crypt, Buffy and Spike have bandaged each other  
up as best they could, and are sitting on the couch until Buffy gets the  
energy to trek home.

Spike: What was that?

Buffy (defensively): What was what?

Spike: Didnt you see? They went mad when I touched them.

Buffy: So? Me too.

Spike: Yeah, but youre the forces of good, remember? Im just  
your sidekick.

Buffy: Well Boy Wonder, you supposedly have a soul now, right?

Spike: Bloody hell.

*************************************************************

The next evening, Spike is sitting in the magic shop with Giles and Anya,  
awaiting the arrival of Buffy and the rest of the scoobies. His arms are  
still bandaged, and he is experimentally testing their movement.

Tara (walking in): Oh hi Spike! What are you doing here?

Spike: Waitin for Buffy, pet. She had to nip home for a bit.

Tara (sitting down next to him): Oh.

Willow (walking in): Spike! What are you doing here?

Spike (sighing): Waitin for Buffy.

Xander (walking in): What are you doing here?

Spike (big put-upon sigh): Im hangin about, arent I?  
Now that I cant wreak havoc, its what I do best! Its  
the exact same thing I was doin last week and the week before that  
and the week before that. Do you lot get surprised when the sun comes  
up?

Before anyone can answer, Buffy walks in, a bit hunched over from her  
stomach wound.

Buffy: Im glad youre all here.

Xander: Im not.

Buffy: Not now Xander. You and Spike can fight over toys later, we have  
Harmony and her My Little Ponies to deal with. Any suggestions Giles?  
Cause I dont think hand to hoof is the way to go. (She gingerly  
lowers herself into a chair.)

Giles: Um...

Xander: Whats wrong with the old-fashioned stake? They came here  
for Harmony. Once shes dust; wont they go back to the land  
of pretty?

Buffy: Afraid not. They seem to be a bit...out of control. And theyre  
smarter than Harmony.

Spike: A sack of hammers is smarter than Harmony.

Anya: Xanders right!

Buffy: Huh?

Anya: The land of pretty!

Buffy: Theres a land of pretty?

Anya: Not exactly. Remember when we sent my ex to the alternate troll  
universe? We can do the same thing. Theres a universe of unbearably  
cute and evil things.

Spike: Youre joking.

Anya (indignant): No. Its no laughing matter. Where do you think  
I got my bunny phobia?

Spike (mumbling): Bunny phobia?

Willow: So we use the same spell as last time?

Anya: With a couple of modifications.

Spike: Sounds like a perfect place for Harm. Can we send the whole lot?  


Buffy: I think that can be arranged.

*************************************************************

Later that night, all of the scoobies, Giles included, have come through  
the woods to the back of Harmonys house. Willow and Tara are chanting,  
as the rest of the gang attempts to hold the unicorns off with crossbows  
and torches. Harmony is cowering against her house.

Harmony: What are you doing? Get them!

Spike (as arrows from his, Buffys, and Giles crossbows manage  
to actually take down a unicorn): Not a chance. Youre history bitch!  


Harmony (as a giant portal begins to open in her backyard, enveloping  
the unicorns): Spikey, wait!

The portal opens wider, and draws near Harmony, she turns to face it,  
ready to scream, and stops.

Harmony (looking at something that none of the scoobies can see): Oh,  
how cute!

The portal closes over Harmony and all the live unicorns. It grows smaller  
and smaller, until it finally vanishes, taking them with it. As the rest  
of the scoobies recoup, Anya bends over the downed unicorn.

Giles: Anya, what are you doing?

Anya (stands up with a fistful of mane she has just torn off): What am  
I doing? This stuffs $1000 an ounce! And the bloods worth  
even more! Ive got to go get a knife  be right back! (She  
runs off)

Buffy: Eew, eew and furthermore, eew.

*************************************************************

The next night, both Buffy and Spike have recovered enough to resume  
their nightly patrol through the graveyard.

Spike: Im not sayin I dont like it, Im just sayin...I  
dont like it!

Buffy: So youre clear on this.

Spike: Im not expectin you to understand Slayer, but... (Pause)  
Look, the Big Bad wasnt just a figure of speech. If Im not  
that and Im not William the Bloody Poofter, whats left?

Buffy (stops, turns to look at him, and says seriously): Spike.

Spike (stops and turns to face her): What?

Buffy: No. Spike. Spikes left.

Spike: I dont know who the hell that is.

Buffy: Youll make it up as you go along. Just like the rest of  
us.

They continue to walk in silence for awhile.

Spike: So, what was that anyway?

Buffy: Weve been through this. Unicorns no like soul thingy.

Spike (coyly): No, the other that.

Buffy (reddens): Oh. You know how it is. Anything to shut Harmony up.  


Spike: Cant argue with that. (Gives her a sly grin) Maybe I shouldnt  
have been so quick to send her away then, eh?

Buffy turns to Spike and decks him.

*************************************************************

The next morning, Buffy and Joyce are sitting on Dawns bed as she  
is taking down her unicorn tapestry poster.

Dawn: After what you told me, I could feel it looking at me when the  
lights went out. (She shudders)

Joyce: How about a nice Klimt instead?

Buffy and Dawn roll their eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: These characters arent ours. We just like to play with  
> them. They belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, WB, and any other copyright  
> holders. True Love Waits is a campaign sponsored by LifeWay Christian  
> Resources of the Southern Baptist Convention. The Darth Vader theme from  
> Star Wars was composed by John Williams. Cosmo is a trademark of the Hearst  
> Corporation. The Unicorn Tapestries are on display (and the poster for  
> sale) at the Cloisters branch of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. The Terry  
> Pratchett quote is from Lords and Ladies, published in October 1996 by  
> HarperCollins.
> 
> Special thanks to Jason for his help with the fight scenes.


End file.
